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Psychotic Resumes by Nick Armstrong is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Interview Basics
That’s so important, I will say it again.
DO NOT TALK SALARY UNTIL YOU HAVE A JOB OFFER!!!!!
Many job applications have salary requirement field. I generally leave it blank, because they should be evaluating you, not what you’re asking for compensation.
If you are asked about salary, mention that you want to hear what’s involved for the position before you talk any numbers. That’s only fair. If they push you on this subject, walk away confident that you have just dodged a major bullet, Neo style. If you allow them to do this, they will NOT play fairly with you and you will end up with a salary fit for a fruit picker or a dish washer.
If they’re not being that pushy, but you still want the job, you can play the game right back: “I want a fair salary and benefits package similar to what professionals with my level of experience are paid in this market.“ This is the ultimate non-committal statement that tells them you’re not screwing around. If they want to play ball, you’re ready to go.
Of course, you should have this information googled and ready go go. Read up on Salary Negotiation to learn more.
This might sound jerkish to you, and you might think that being difficult when asked a simple question like, “What are your salary expectations?” might diminish your chances to land the job. The simple, sad truth is that the question “What are your salary requirements?” only has one purpose – it lets them know YOUR number without you ever knowing THEIR number. I usually play it off as a joke, anyway – “Oh, you know, the usual. $20 Mil with a stock option plan and a tax-free account in the Caymans. And what’s the company policy on use of the Helicopter?”
They cannot possibly expect you to reveal your number, yet most people do it anyway. Don’t be a sheep. Keep your desired salary a secret. Check out Salary Negotiations to learn more.
I recommend always dressing in a suit… it’s just shy of tuxedo, and classier than button-up shirt with tie. It never, ever hurts to dress to the max. It definitely hurts to dress below their expectations. Kind of like going to a fancy steakhouse and receiving a whopper from the BK Lounge for dinner.
If you have piercings, take ‘em out a bit ahead of time, remove bracelets and cover tattoos. Unbraid your hair, you damn hippie and for God’s sake, get a haircut and move out of your mother’s basement! I-… uhm…. what was I doing?
Oh, right. Uhm, appearance. Get a hair cut, trim your beard, remove your extra jewelry. Make sure your shirt (ladies) covers that tattoo on your lower back and that your cleavage isn’t attracting more attention than your face. Gentlemen – if you look fat, you’ll appear lazy in the eyes of your interviewers. Even a fat man can look fantastic and healthy in a well-tailored suit.
Have I mentioned that interviewers tend to be shallow jerkoffs? Dress to impress or go home.
I think it should go without saying that you need to wear deodorant. Make sure you smell nice for your interview. Brush your teeth before you go. Do not chew gum during your interview. Sit up straight. Eat your peas. Put on your seatbelt and don’t make me turn this car around!
It’s good to arrive ten minutes early – no more, no less. If you arrive earlier, you look… well, stupid. If you arrive late, it sets the tone for the rest of the meeting. You’re wasting their time, and you know how everyone loves that. If you’re late, apologize and move on. If you’re more than 10 minutes late, kill a fictitious uncle and ask to reschedule for another day.
Here’s a few things I’ve learned from experience: use Google maps (or Mapquest) the day before. Test drive whatever route it recommends that night. Write down the company’s phone number before you leave for the real deal, and give yourself plenty of time to combat traffic, stupid mistakes, and unexpected closures.
Your body language should be confident – sit upright, don’t seem stiff, and walk confidently. Give a good handshake – and women – INSIST on a firm handshake, not that over-under crap. The over-under crap (or a weak handshake) signals that you’re a push-over and you’ll lose on the salary negotiation. Be confident and strong.
DJs train all the time to seduce people with their unbelievably sexy voices. Part of the way they do this is to take a breath before they start talking. You should practice this in front of a mirror. In fact – get a tape recorder, video recorder, or anything that can record your voice… and have a friend ask you a series of questions. Doesn’t matter what the questions are – but take note of your verbal ticks. “Uhm”, “er”, “ah”, clicks, grinding teeth, whatever. If it makes noise, you need to cut it out. Unless the job title is “mumbling idiot.”
The best way to do this is to catch yourself every time you do it. The reason verbal ticks occur is because your mouth is playing catchup to your brain. Try to eliminate them. One or two across the span of an interview won’t hurt you… but one or two per question? Consider yourself blacklisted, Mr. Idiot.
Answer questions honestly, but always have confidence. There’s no reason not to be proud of yourself – I mean, after all, you are wearing a suit. Go you!